last night in the cave.

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despite the fact that i barely rolled out of my bed today, we are moving tomorrow. we are going to pack up all the frittered crap that remains in our apartment (shoes, papers, books, saucepans, etc.), toss it into old stumpy, and ferry it up the road to the oakie house. by tomorrow night, this two-room cave will be as empty as it was when fugazi squatted in it for practice sessions.

i shouldn’t miss it: it’s a functional but forgettable basement apartment, with two portholes for windows and a driveway ramp that’s got an uncanny ability to corral all manner of neighborhood trash: shoes, stock pots, lawn ornaments, entire rolls of paper towels. the dryer is perpetually broken; black, fungus-like lint steeps on the top of all immobile objects. but it has been a home for a us, a little haven in ben’s first year of med school. it’s got a huge corridor kitchen and an absurd amount of counter space; and the darkness may be suffocating, but it can also be pleasantly womb-like on those days when you want to sleep until eleven.

i’ve been so lonely in this house. i don’t know why i’m suddenly lonely *for* it.

we haven’t seen and we’ve barely talked with any of the oakie folks this week. i’m wondering if we’re all partaking in a final, ritualized separation: letting our lives be distant before they become a big messy one.

i’m remembering now the night before my wedding: my sisters and girlfriends had thrown me an impromptu bachelorette party in one of the rooms of the ragtag downtown hotel in my hometown. colored scarves were thrown over lamps; sodas were bought from the pop machine; my sisters arrived with trays of homemade treats. when it was all over, i drove home to my parents’ house alone, and i lay in betz’s childhood bed staring up at the stars on her ceiling, feeling suspended between two lives. of course, choosing to live with the bs and the blues is not nearly as momentous as taking marriage vows. but it is a huge risk. i hope we can make it.

this is also likely to be our last night with kirbs of the world. oh wonderful kirbs! he’s been so happy to have me at home today; he’s laying against me now, a fluffly lump in the covers, breathing peacefully. i love how soft he is. i’ll miss him.

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Filed under the big move

Tags: basement apartment, cats, co-housing, family, marriage, moving, procrastination, roommates, simplicity, weddings